FOG

I have recently gotten news of a horrible tragedy that happened to someone from my past. The kind of tragedy that brought me to my knees, wondering how there could be a God. The kind of thing that happens in movies, that isn't really real becuase we are so desensitized by reading the awful stories in the paper. The kind of thing that haunts your dreams and your quiet thoughts as your conscious mind tries to wrap itself around how such an awful thing could possibly be.
I haven't known how to feel, or what to think, but so many things cross my mind. It is so easy to forget things about people. It is so remarkably easy to forget true reasons for life changing decisions that you made. Time has a way of erasing some bad memories, and saving the good ones - a blessing and a curse. People do so much changing over the course of a lifetime - hell, over the course of a few years. People are capable of keeping so much cooped up inside, and can be so unsure of their identity. That's life - people have quirks. Some of us are defensive, some of us are emotional, some of us get depressed, some of us are impatient or selfish... We all have our demons, our skeletons in the closet. But what is it that snaps in a person to cause the earth to shatter? How come it isn't easier for folks to see someone they love about to lose it? Why don't people find a way to share things that hurt - to really communicate when it matters? And how can life be so short? It can be gone in an instant. We all take so many things forgranted. We need to smell the roses, to spend the extra time with the people we love, to tell eachother how much we care for one another. I cried silently until no more tears would come. Not a shaking tremulous cry, but a deep quiet cry from my soul - I think that it still cries. The tears just kept sliding out, and my heart is all bunched up. For me, the perpetrator was a victim, and I just ACHE for him... How he must have hurt... How angry and sad and penned up he must have felt... How awful it must have been to release it all and then realize what had happened.... It must have been agony. He was a good man - this thing that happened doesn't define him. The news stories make me angry, as they point fingers at him and blame him and make him evil - when I just feel so awful for him... And I get a tight feeling in my throat when I think of the family - and what they are going through. That I didn't even say goodbye to them all these years ago. I didn't tell them that I loved them, and I did. At least he knew that I cared - we were friends after all of the past. Whatever has happened, however awful, no matter the circumstances, right or wrong, Richie will forever hold a place in my heart.