It is amazing to me how things change. The things that are important to a person can shift so drastically – and so suddenly – and new priorities can make you completely abandon the “can’t live withouts” from yesterday.
I remember a day when the very most important thing to me was being out with my friends. NOTHING else mattered, as long as I could be out with my friends on the weekend. If something happened that could prove to be an obstacle to that goal, life may as well have been over.
Then my priority was my husband. What mattered the most to me was spending quality time with him, and making him happy, and being with him 98% of the time.
Suddenly my priority is Jordan, but it gets ever so much more specific than that. There was a time when the thing that consumed my being was MILK. Making enough milk for her. I feverishly documented and graphed my milk production daily – with notations indicating what foods and drinks I had taken in, and what crazy herbs I had taken on a given day; desperately seeking some trend… I don’t worry about that so much any more, not because I don’t care as much, but because something else has taken it’s place in my mind’s hierarchy of things to worry about.
Lately, I’ve been obsessed with Jordan’s bowel habits – we had a very ugly constipation issue, which I hope never to repeat – so I am constantly wishing for the awful smell of a poopy diaper – I feed her high fiber foods. I massage her little belly in clockwise circles to aid digestion. I cheer when I see her face turn red in concentration and I know she is going. And then I thoroughly investigate each and every diaper for color and consistency. I’M NUTS.
I am going somewhere with this, I promise.
Along with all of the other “personal” priorities that dictate my thoughts, actions, and moods – I have always held another critical part of my being – my career. I have managed to keep it separate from my personal life, but that hasn’t made it any less significant. Until Jordan came along. Of all of the parts of my life that she has changed, this is the very most surprising. If I had the option, I would quit my job today. I would spend every waking moment with my baby. Taking her places, showing her things, helping her learn, learning from her… My job, now, is nothing more than a means to bring home the money that we need to fund the things that cost money in our lives.
I’ve tried to do some soul searching – is it true that I just don’t like my job anymore? Am I bored? Do I need a new challenge? I have been in this role longer than any other since I started working… Or am I simply not as motivated in “job” in general? I don’t have the answer, maybe because I don’t really have time to give it enough consideration… I find myself searching for a new career – one that offers more flexibility, and the same level of compensation as my current job. That isn’t going to happen, and I know it – so I just plod along, so as not to interrupt the status quo. I’m either not thinking hard enough, or I’m thinking crazy. And I can’t tell which.
Ah well, I’m fumbling here. I’ll try again on this thought next time. Any words of wisdom from anyone, in the meantime, are welcome. :)
I remember a day when the very most important thing to me was being out with my friends. NOTHING else mattered, as long as I could be out with my friends on the weekend. If something happened that could prove to be an obstacle to that goal, life may as well have been over.
Then my priority was my husband. What mattered the most to me was spending quality time with him, and making him happy, and being with him 98% of the time.
Suddenly my priority is Jordan, but it gets ever so much more specific than that. There was a time when the thing that consumed my being was MILK. Making enough milk for her. I feverishly documented and graphed my milk production daily – with notations indicating what foods and drinks I had taken in, and what crazy herbs I had taken on a given day; desperately seeking some trend… I don’t worry about that so much any more, not because I don’t care as much, but because something else has taken it’s place in my mind’s hierarchy of things to worry about.
Lately, I’ve been obsessed with Jordan’s bowel habits – we had a very ugly constipation issue, which I hope never to repeat – so I am constantly wishing for the awful smell of a poopy diaper – I feed her high fiber foods. I massage her little belly in clockwise circles to aid digestion. I cheer when I see her face turn red in concentration and I know she is going. And then I thoroughly investigate each and every diaper for color and consistency. I’M NUTS.
I am going somewhere with this, I promise.
Along with all of the other “personal” priorities that dictate my thoughts, actions, and moods – I have always held another critical part of my being – my career. I have managed to keep it separate from my personal life, but that hasn’t made it any less significant. Until Jordan came along. Of all of the parts of my life that she has changed, this is the very most surprising. If I had the option, I would quit my job today. I would spend every waking moment with my baby. Taking her places, showing her things, helping her learn, learning from her… My job, now, is nothing more than a means to bring home the money that we need to fund the things that cost money in our lives.
I’ve tried to do some soul searching – is it true that I just don’t like my job anymore? Am I bored? Do I need a new challenge? I have been in this role longer than any other since I started working… Or am I simply not as motivated in “job” in general? I don’t have the answer, maybe because I don’t really have time to give it enough consideration… I find myself searching for a new career – one that offers more flexibility, and the same level of compensation as my current job. That isn’t going to happen, and I know it – so I just plod along, so as not to interrupt the status quo. I’m either not thinking hard enough, or I’m thinking crazy. And I can’t tell which.
Ah well, I’m fumbling here. I’ll try again on this thought next time. Any words of wisdom from anyone, in the meantime, are welcome. :)
4 comments:
First, nice picture!! You look so serious!!! If I could come up with a suggestion for you I would...I wish there were some kind of job that offered great pay to be home with your baby!!!
ah, ashley. don't just plod along in your job. excel in your job as you excel as a mother. other opportunities will open up. i love you.
Isn't it funny how life changes you? But I can honestly say being a mother is way better then worrying about where to go on Friday and Saturday night! I think as we grow older we realize what is really important in life. It's not about what you have, it's about who you have! And that is are great husbands and beautiful little girls (as I speak for us both)! Ha! Sorry if I am rambling on here! As for your job... I think you will know in your heart what's best for you and your family. Work will always have it's boring moments! Take care! Christina :o)
I know it is hard to work when you have children. You feel guilty if you go to work and you feel guilty if you don't - it's a mom thing that never quite leaves you. In these days of of financial unrest, it would be scary to quit a job, any job, but hopefully a time will come to you soon that will allow you the flexibility you need . . . possibly working for yourself! Remember one thing - time is not replaceable, money is.
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